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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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What The Internet Will Look Like In 25 Years

This month marks the 25th anniversary of British inventor Tim Berners-Lee’s proposal for a system of hypertext, which provided the language for establishing the internet. Here’s what we can expect the internet to look like 25 years from now:

  • Going online will be as simple as shouting, “Let’s internet!” and then manually turning on your computer, connecting to the Wi-Fi network, and opening up your web browser
  • The construction of national broadband networks will give Americans greater access to online resources provided by shitty, underperforming cable carriers
  • Internet-capable learning devices such as tablets, Smart Boards, and interactive projectors will be widely used in America’s public schools, from affluent elementary and middle schools to affluent high schools and private schools
  • Ethernet cables to be up to 5 inches longer
  • Right now woodcraft.com is the premier message board for discussing woodworking, but in 2021 a rival forum will gain popularity and attract many of the community’s most respected members. However, by 2025 most of those users will return, and woodcraft.com will regain its position as the top woodworking message board.
  • Technological innovations will confirm central thesis of Meagan Harper’s Com 201 paper about people being closer but farther apart
  • John Candy’s Wikipedia page tightened up a bit
  • High-speed fiber-optic cables will allow users to ignore your web series at speeds currently unimaginable
  • Consumers may become obsessed with the technology, to the point where they are on the internet for hours each day
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