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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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What The Internet Will Look Like In 25 Years

This month marks the 25th anniversary of British inventor Tim Berners-Lee’s proposal for a system of hypertext, which provided the language for establishing the internet. Here’s what we can expect the internet to look like 25 years from now:

  • Going online will be as simple as shouting, “Let’s internet!” and then manually turning on your computer, connecting to the Wi-Fi network, and opening up your web browser
  • The construction of national broadband networks will give Americans greater access to online resources provided by shitty, underperforming cable carriers
  • Internet-capable learning devices such as tablets, Smart Boards, and interactive projectors will be widely used in America’s public schools, from affluent elementary and middle schools to affluent high schools and private schools
  • Ethernet cables to be up to 5 inches longer
  • Right now woodcraft.com is the premier message board for discussing woodworking, but in 2021 a rival forum will gain popularity and attract many of the community’s most respected members. However, by 2025 most of those users will return, and woodcraft.com will regain its position as the top woodworking message board.
  • Technological innovations will confirm central thesis of Meagan Harper’s Com 201 paper about people being closer but farther apart
  • John Candy’s Wikipedia page tightened up a bit
  • High-speed fiber-optic cables will allow users to ignore your web series at speeds currently unimaginable
  • Consumers may become obsessed with the technology, to the point where they are on the internet for hours each day

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