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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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What To Look For In NASCAR This Year

Danica Patrick and fuel-injected cars are just two of the exciting changes NASCAR has in store for us this racing season.

  • New advances in flameproof denim and snakeskin will finally allow drivers to dress the way they please
  • Lots of brand-new Kyles, Jeffs, and Travises
  • The emerging love triangle between Carl Edwards, Denny Hamlin, and Ryan Newman is among the most compelling storylines to come about in years
  • Cars redesigned to feature excitement-inducing new blind spots
  • Five-point safety belts now mandatory on all hound-dog seats
  • Jimmie Johnson has quietly, and somewhat sheepishly, asked that everyone call him 'James' from now on
  • Hopefully someone will unfortunately and tragically die in an awesome huge marketable crash
  • All cars will be driven from the press box via remote control, increasing safety while freeing up drivers to make more appearances on behalf of sponsor

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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