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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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What You Need To Know About The Oregon Militia Standoff

During a rally in Oregon for two ranchers convicted of arson, a group of anti-government protesters initiated the armed occupation of a federal building at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. Here is everything you need to know about the militia standoff:

Where is the standoff taking place?

The headquarters of Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, future capital of the Free Republic Of America.

How did this start?

Protests began after local ranchers Dwight and Steven Hammond were ordered to return to prison because their time already served for committing arson did not meet minimum-sentencing laws, which, to be fair, often do more harm than good and are certainly worthy of reevaluation.

Who are the ranchers protesting against?

Gub’ment.

Why did the ranchers take over the federal wildlife building?

You big-city folk wouldn’t understand.

How many people are involved in the standoff?

An estimated 150 militia members who would otherwise be armed and spouting anti-government rhetoric somewhere else.

What are the protesters’ demands?

$5 million in cash and safe passage to 1874.

Is there legitimacy to their complaints?

Compared to the plight of the Oregon’s nearly extinct short-tailed albatross? Absolutely not.

Who is Ammon Bundy?

An American patriot who is currently living inside a government wildlife building in the middle of Oregon to defend ranchers who burned down 130 acres of federal land.

Are the protesters violent?

They have vowed to only seek a peaceful overthrow of the entire U.S. federal government.

How long are they planning to stay?

As long as their supply of whiskey and bison chili lasts.

What is the militia ultimately hoping to achieve?

Garner enough attention over next few weeks to be brought onstage during rally for a low-polling GOP candidate.

Is the protest going to work?

Nope.

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