adBlockCheck

What You Need To Know About The Zika Virus

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

What You Need To Know About The Zika Virus

Here are answers to common questions about the Zika virus, which the World Health Organization declared an international public health emergency:

Q: What is the Zika virus?
A: The subject of your mother’s next phone call to you.

Q: How is the Zika virus transmitted?
A: The virus is primarily transmitted through sexual contact with mosquitoes.

Q: Who is at risk of being infected by the Zika virus?
A: You; your loved ones.

Q: Where can the Zika virus be contracted?
A: The virus will likely remain confined to Central and South America unless people in other parts of the world start having sex or going outside.

Q: How contagious is Zika?
A: The infection is easily spread through the dozens of alarmist articles about Zika posted online each hour.

Q: Do I have Zika?
A: Yes.

Q: Has the government issued any alerts about Zika?
A: The CDC is urging Americans to leave all wombs immediately.

Q: Is there a relationship between Guillain-Barré syndrome and the Zika virus?
A: Well, well, well! Looks like someone read the Zika virus Wikipedia entry.

Q: How will this affect the upcoming 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro?
A: It should actually be a pretty welcome distraction from the rampant political corruption, serious financial problems, and massive anti-government protests already plaguing the 2016 Games.

Q: What measures should be taken to prevent Zika infection?
A: Befriend the local mosquito population by opening your window and setting out an appeasement of sugar water on the windowsill.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close