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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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What You Need To Know About The Zika Virus

Here are answers to common questions about the Zika virus, which the World Health Organization declared an international public health emergency:

Q: What is the Zika virus?
A: The subject of your mother’s next phone call to you.

Q: How is the Zika virus transmitted?
A: The virus is primarily transmitted through sexual contact with mosquitoes.

Q: Who is at risk of being infected by the Zika virus?
A: You; your loved ones.

Q: Where can the Zika virus be contracted?
A: The virus will likely remain confined to Central and South America unless people in other parts of the world start having sex or going outside.

Q: How contagious is Zika?
A: The infection is easily spread through the dozens of alarmist articles about Zika posted online each hour.

Q: Do I have Zika?
A: Yes.

Q: Has the government issued any alerts about Zika?
A: The CDC is urging Americans to leave all wombs immediately.

Q: Is there a relationship between Guillain-Barré syndrome and the Zika virus?
A: Well, well, well! Looks like someone read the Zika virus Wikipedia entry.

Q: How will this affect the upcoming 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro?
A: It should actually be a pretty welcome distraction from the rampant political corruption, serious financial problems, and massive anti-government protests already plaguing the 2016 Games.

Q: What measures should be taken to prevent Zika infection?
A: Befriend the local mosquito population by opening your window and setting out an appeasement of sugar water on the windowsill.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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