adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
End Of Section
  • More News

What You Need To Know About The Zika Virus

Here are answers to common questions about the Zika virus, which the World Health Organization declared an international public health emergency:

Q: What is the Zika virus?
A: The subject of your mother’s next phone call to you.

Q: How is the Zika virus transmitted?
A: The virus is primarily transmitted through sexual contact with mosquitoes.

Q: Who is at risk of being infected by the Zika virus?
A: You; your loved ones.

Q: Where can the Zika virus be contracted?
A: The virus will likely remain confined to Central and South America unless people in other parts of the world start having sex or going outside.

Q: How contagious is Zika?
A: The infection is easily spread through the dozens of alarmist articles about Zika posted online each hour.

Q: Do I have Zika?
A: Yes.

Q: Has the government issued any alerts about Zika?
A: The CDC is urging Americans to leave all wombs immediately.

Q: Is there a relationship between Guillain-Barré syndrome and the Zika virus?
A: Well, well, well! Looks like someone read the Zika virus Wikipedia entry.

Q: How will this affect the upcoming 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro?
A: It should actually be a pretty welcome distraction from the rampant political corruption, serious financial problems, and massive anti-government protests already plaguing the 2016 Games.

Q: What measures should be taken to prevent Zika infection?
A: Befriend the local mosquito population by opening your window and setting out an appeasement of sugar water on the windowsill.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close