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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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What You Need To Know About Ebola

Following the death of the first person diagnosed with Ebola in the United States, concerns about the deadly hemorrhagic virus are running high throughout the country. Here is everything you need to know about Ebola:

What is Ebola?

Ebola is an infectious, often fatal virus. For more complete information, consult your own darkest paranoid nightmares.

How do you contract Ebola?

Ebola is contracted through contact with a health care system that vastly overestimates its preparedness for a global pandemic.

What are the symptoms of Ebola?

Severe flu-like symptoms that a CNN cameraman is filming.

How long does it take for symptoms to first appear?

Anywhere from two to 10 days after passing through U.S. customs.

How is Ebola treated?

The virus is eventually killed when the body begins naturally decomposing inside a coffin several feet underground.

Do I have Ebola?

Not yet.

How dangerous is Ebola?

Easily Africa’s fourth or fifth most pressing issue.

I come into frequent physical contact with Ebola-infected blood, urine, saliva, stool, and vomit. Am I at risk of contracting Ebola?

Yes.

Is there a risk of Ebola spreading further?

If Dallas authorities fail to properly contain the disease, it may spread as far as Plano and Fort Worth.

How are Ebola outbreaks contained?

Great question!

What are airports doing to screen passengers?

Questionnaire based on fundamental assumption that those in desperate need of medical attention would not lie to get out of western Africa and into the U.S.

How many people could die if Ebola begins spreading in the United States?

Projections are currently imprecise but range anywhere from 318.8 million to 319.0 million Americans.

When will all this Ebola hysteria end?

For you? At exactly 11:18 a.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 28.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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