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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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What You Need To Know About Ebola

Following the death of the first person diagnosed with Ebola in the United States, concerns about the deadly hemorrhagic virus are running high throughout the country. Here is everything you need to know about Ebola:

What is Ebola?

Ebola is an infectious, often fatal virus. For more complete information, consult your own darkest paranoid nightmares.

How do you contract Ebola?

Ebola is contracted through contact with a health care system that vastly overestimates its preparedness for a global pandemic.

What are the symptoms of Ebola?

Severe flu-like symptoms that a CNN cameraman is filming.

How long does it take for symptoms to first appear?

Anywhere from two to 10 days after passing through U.S. customs.

How is Ebola treated?

The virus is eventually killed when the body begins naturally decomposing inside a coffin several feet underground.

Do I have Ebola?

Not yet.

How dangerous is Ebola?

Easily Africa’s fourth or fifth most pressing issue.

I come into frequent physical contact with Ebola-infected blood, urine, saliva, stool, and vomit. Am I at risk of contracting Ebola?

Yes.

Is there a risk of Ebola spreading further?

If Dallas authorities fail to properly contain the disease, it may spread as far as Plano and Fort Worth.

How are Ebola outbreaks contained?

Great question!

What are airports doing to screen passengers?

Questionnaire based on fundamental assumption that those in desperate need of medical attention would not lie to get out of western Africa and into the U.S.

How many people could die if Ebola begins spreading in the United States?

Projections are currently imprecise but range anywhere from 318.8 million to 319.0 million Americans.

When will all this Ebola hysteria end?

For you? At exactly 11:18 a.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 28.

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