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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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What's Going On In South Carolina?

Between the sex scandal that crippled Gov. Mark Sanford, the questionable candidacy of Democratic Senate primary winner and accused criminal Alvin Green, and the rumors of infidelity surrounding Republican gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley, South Carolina has seen a great deal of political upheaval. Here are some of the beleaguered state's lesser-known scandals:

  • A raid of Varnville mayor Henry Fields' residence uncovered Forrest Gump–themed home sex tapes that make use of props the production left around town back in 1993
  • Rob Miller, Democratic nominee for U.S. Representative from the state's 2nd District, has been criticized for not wearing the customary Confederate-flag lapel pin
  • Mayor John Rhodes of Myrtle Beach raising all three of his boy dogs as girl dogs
  • The state's incumbent comptroller, Richard Eckstrom, has been repeatedly attacked for his use of Arabic numerals
  • Entire state is under fire from outsiders for voting the corpse of Strom Thurmond into the Senate each election
  • City councilman George Thurston is accused of acknowledging the existence of North Carolina
  • Attorney General Henry McMaster has his 8-year-old daughter fill in for him whenever he feels the urge to play some video blackjack
  • Somehow allowed its state flag to contain one of the most racially charged images in our nation's history

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