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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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What's Going On In South Carolina?

Between the sex scandal that crippled Gov. Mark Sanford, the questionable candidacy of Democratic Senate primary winner and accused criminal Alvin Green, and the rumors of infidelity surrounding Republican gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley, South Carolina has seen a great deal of political upheaval. Here are some of the beleaguered state's lesser-known scandals:

  • A raid of Varnville mayor Henry Fields' residence uncovered Forrest Gump–themed home sex tapes that make use of props the production left around town back in 1993
  • Rob Miller, Democratic nominee for U.S. Representative from the state's 2nd District, has been criticized for not wearing the customary Confederate-flag lapel pin
  • Mayor John Rhodes of Myrtle Beach raising all three of his boy dogs as girl dogs
  • The state's incumbent comptroller, Richard Eckstrom, has been repeatedly attacked for his use of Arabic numerals
  • Entire state is under fire from outsiders for voting the corpse of Strom Thurmond into the Senate each election
  • City councilman George Thurston is accused of acknowledging the existence of North Carolina
  • Attorney General Henry McMaster has his 8-year-old daughter fill in for him whenever he feels the urge to play some video blackjack
  • Somehow allowed its state flag to contain one of the most racially charged images in our nation's history

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