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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates:

  • Marco Rubio: Can establish himself as the GOP frontrunner by pulling off a resounding third-place sweep of the nation’s early primary states
  • Bernie Sanders: A big win in New Hampshire would show doubters that 40 years spent relentlessly championing progressive causes can pay off in a state adjacent to one’s own
  • Donald Trump: After finishing lower than polls predicted in Iowa, Trump needs a strong win in New Hampshire to prove that mathematics is still a useful system for understanding reality
  • Hillary Clinton: Just needs Earth to make a complete rotation Tuesday so that she can move on to South Carolina
  • Ted Cruz: Has little at stake in New Hampshire, as advisors have assured the conservative, evangelical senator that the state’s reasonable, levelheaded GOP voters are not representative of Republicans nationally
  • John Kasich: The moderate Republican needs at least a fourth-place finish in New Hampshire to prove he is the party’s true heir to Jon Huntsman
  • Carly Fiorina: The former Hewlett-Packard CEO is looking for a strong performance in Tuesday’s earlier GOP undercard primary
  • Ben Carson: Staffers have already moved on to researching which primary comes next
  • Chris Christie: Finishing fourth or lower puts the New Jersey governor in serious danger of not getting to go to Mama Jenny’s Shrimp And Grits Hut in Beaufort, SC
  • Jeb Bush: Almost done, buddy

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