adBlockCheck

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

Top Headlines

Election 2016

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Election 2016

More Election Coverage

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates:

  • Marco Rubio: Can establish himself as the GOP frontrunner by pulling off a resounding third-place sweep of the nation’s early primary states
  • Bernie Sanders: A big win in New Hampshire would show doubters that 40 years spent relentlessly championing progressive causes can pay off in a state adjacent to one’s own
  • Donald Trump: After finishing lower than polls predicted in Iowa, Trump needs a strong win in New Hampshire to prove that mathematics is still a useful system for understanding reality
  • Hillary Clinton: Just needs Earth to make a complete rotation Tuesday so that she can move on to South Carolina
  • Ted Cruz: Has little at stake in New Hampshire, as advisors have assured the conservative, evangelical senator that the state’s reasonable, levelheaded GOP voters are not representative of Republicans nationally
  • John Kasich: The moderate Republican needs at least a fourth-place finish in New Hampshire to prove he is the party’s true heir to Jon Huntsman
  • Carly Fiorina: The former Hewlett-Packard CEO is looking for a strong performance in Tuesday’s earlier GOP undercard primary
  • Ben Carson: Staffers have already moved on to researching which primary comes next
  • Chris Christie: Finishing fourth or lower puts the New Jersey governor in serious danger of not getting to go to Mama Jenny’s Shrimp And Grits Hut in Beaufort, SC
  • Jeb Bush: Almost done, buddy

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close