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Vol 39 Issue 44

Al Kozlewski Pulls A Kozlewski

CUDAHY, WI—Assembled after work at Gil's Tavern, friends of Al Kozlewski agreed Tuesday that the 39-year-old steamfitter had pulled yet another Kozlewski. "Al came in and did that thing he always does," coworker Danny Fassle said. "He sat down at the table, drank two beers from a pitcher that someone else bought, and then suddenly decided that he had to get right home. A classic Kozlewski." When informed of the charges, Kozlewski said that if Fassle has a problem, he should "stop being such a Palaczyk and say it to my face."

Woman Judges Cities Solely By Their Airports

SAN MARCOS, CA—Just back from a business trip to the Midwest, Sonic Drive-In managerial trainer Joan Rupert expressed distaste for yet another city, basing her evaluation solely on the quality of its airport. "I hate Chicago," Rupert said Monday. "It's too spread-out, and there's no good shopping in any of the terminals. But I do have to admit that they have tons of super bars and restaurants. Where else but O'Hare can you buy a real Chicago hot dog?" Rupert said the only city worse than Chicago is Minneapolis, which is "always under construction."

MTV Executive Grounds Son For Recommending Good Charlotte

NEW YORK—MTV executive Phillip Blanchard, 42, grounded his 15-year-old son Joshua Monday, after the alternative-rock band Good Charlotte failed to sustain its popularity among viewers of the cable music station. "Joshua needs to learn that his choices have consequences," said Blanchard, who took away his teenage son's credit-card privileges for the week. "Maybe next time, Joshua will think twice before over-hyping some pop-punk crap." As additional punishment, Blanchard had Joshua organize the family's extensive video library of Road Rules episodes chronologically.

Ad Campaign For New $20 Bill A Success

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of the Treasury deemed the new multicolored $20 bill a raging success Monday, thanks to its $30 million advertising campaign. "Due to our print and TV ads, people across the nation are choosing our $20 bill when they need to exchange currency for goods and services within the United States and its territories," Secretary of the Treasury John Snow said. "We couldn't be happier. Americans agree that the Series 2004 U.S. currency is the legal tender for all debts, public and private." Due to high demand for the bill, the Treasury has already ordered second and third printings.

Congress Raises Executive Minimum Wage To $565.15/Hr

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress approved a bill to increase the executive minimum wage from $515.15 to $565.15 an hour, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced Monday. The move marks the first increase in the wage since 1997.
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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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