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Vol 37 Issue 07

Menu Describes Diner's Pancakes As 'World Famous'

FT. COLLINS, CO– A laminated paper menu for Smitty's Diner on Hwy. 32 describes the eatery's pancakes as "world famous," patron Annette Larouche discovered Monday. "Well, I guess I've been hiding under a rock," Larouche said. "I can't believe I made it this far in life without hearing of Smitty's World Famous Pancakes. Apparently, this is something people throughout Europe and Asia know all about." The menu also praised the eatery for "The Best Apple Pie Ever To Touch The Lips Of A Mortal."

Architect Asks Self How Le Corbusier Would Have Designed This Strip Mall

TOPEKA, KS– Architect Curtis Winter, designer of the planned Fox Plaza strip mall in downtown Topeka, found himself wondering Monday how influential 20th-century Swiss architect Le Corbusier would have approached the retail center. "I could imagine Le Corbusier using more sculptural roof-lines on the Play It Again Sports," Winter said. "And I could see the FuncoLand making a stronger impression from afar and evoking a modernized classicism if it were raised up on stilts." Winter previously made headlines for a laundromat that echoed the abstract geometric designs of I.M.Pei.

6-Year-Old Cries When Told MTM Productions Kitten Dead By Now

RYE, NY– Following a WKRP In Cincinnati rerun Monday, 6-year-old Megan Connor was devastated to learn that the mewling orange kitten in the MTM Productions logo has almost certainly been dead for years. "All I said was that that kitten was around back when I was a kid, so it probably died 15 or 20 years ago," said father Bruce Connor, 39. "Now she won't come out of her room." Megan's parents plan to forbid Megan from watching Family Ties reruns for fear of having to explain the whereabouts of Ubu.

Bankrupt Dot-Com Proud To Have Briefly Changed The Way People Buy Cheese Graters

SAN FRANCISCO– Egraters.com, an Internet retailer that filed for Chapter 11 last week, announced on its homepage Monday that it is proud to have briefly made people rethink the way they buy cheese graters. "Unfortunately, we were not able to see our revolution all the way through," read the message from CEO Jeff Bell, 29. "But for a brief, shining moment, we showed the world that there is a better way to buy graters." Bell said he hopes to one day relaunch Egraters.com and "smash the tyranny of traditional brick-and-mortar cheese-grater-tailing."

The Puff Daddy Trial

Rapper Sean "Puffy" Combs is on trial for illegal gun possession and bribery stemming from a 1999 shooting at a Manhattan nightclub. What do you think?

A Spy At The FBI

For 15 years, FBI agent Hanssen sold sensitive U.S. secrets to Moscow. Among the information he divulged over the years:

A Homey In Need

All y'all disciples of tha H-Dog know that The Man always be tryin' to playa-hate on tha Accountz Reeceevable bruthahood, 24-7. On any given day in tha office park what contain Midstate Office Supply, tha 5-0 be bustin' some A.R. bruthah on some trumped-up charge, like jaywalkin' or findin' a ounce or two of correction fluid on his person an' claimin' he wuzn't usin' it for no correctin'. That shit don't never happen to no Accountz Payabo muthafuckas, 'cause they got all tha dead prez an' can bribe tha pigs so they look tha other way. A.R. bruthahs ain't got nothin' but debits, an' they thankful if they just balance at tha end of tha goddamn day.

I Have Expensive Taste In Trucks

Call me stuck-up. Call me a snob. That's fine with me. Because what you call snobbery, I call refusing to settle for anything less than the best. Yes, for me, nothing but the finest trucks will do.
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