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Where Did U.S. Money Go In Iraq?

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Where Did U.S. Money Go In Iraq?

According to a report in The Washington Post, Gen. David Petraeus and other American military commanders were given access to $5 billion in discretionary funds to spend on various projects like a now-defunct $1 million water park in Baghdad. Here are some of the places the money went to:

  • $10 million—Free "I Love the Surge" bumper sticker and T-shirt program
  • $13 million—Retrofitting Saddam's sex palace to create municipal sex library
  • $125,000—Amphibious, duck-shaped Tigris River tour boat
  • $300,000—Funyuns Military Blend
  • $9,000—The Offspring's booking fee
  • $100 million—Given to this guy who promised he would build a chain of really awesome after-school clubs and skate parks but who, in retrospect, was probably Muqtada al-Sadr
  • $7.1 million—Really nice big statue of Muhammad to cheer everyone in Baghdad up
  • $6 million—Ultimately abandoned Frank Gehry blueprints for Iraq's entire infrastructure
  • $4 million—Dance hall; men only
  • $60 million—Blowing up bridge E.U. forces need to leave

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