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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts:

  • Slowly crawling toward Seoul for adequate medical care
  • Attending informative Supreme Leadership Seminar
  • Facedown in country’s only bowl of rice
  • In hearts and minds of 25 million proud North Koreans
  • Switching place with lowborn pauper of nearly identical appearance to get taste of common North Korean life
  • Sitting completely still in a 34-day-long pose for largest Supreme Leader portrait yet
  • Hibernating for winter inside burrow
  • Crumpled up on floor after skeleton splintered apart under ceaselessly increasing body weight
  • In the rich, vibrant world of delusion that comes with being raised as the heir to a despotic regime
  • Making love to wife for five straight weeks
  • Wiping crumbs off face at father’s grave
  • Never in the same room as his sister, curiously
  • Either being hanged or hanging someone else

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