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Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.
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Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts:

  • Slowly crawling toward Seoul for adequate medical care
  • Attending informative Supreme Leadership Seminar
  • Facedown in country’s only bowl of rice
  • In hearts and minds of 25 million proud North Koreans
  • Switching place with lowborn pauper of nearly identical appearance to get taste of common North Korean life
  • Sitting completely still in a 34-day-long pose for largest Supreme Leader portrait yet
  • Hibernating for winter inside burrow
  • Crumpled up on floor after skeleton splintered apart under ceaselessly increasing body weight
  • In the rich, vibrant world of delusion that comes with being raised as the heir to a despotic regime
  • Making love to wife for five straight weeks
  • Wiping crumbs off face at father’s grave
  • Never in the same room as his sister, curiously
  • Either being hanged or hanging someone else

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