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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday. Here’s what you need to know about the presidential hopeful:

  • Given name: Bernice
  • Nickname: The Vermont Bonecrusher
  • Media Strategy: Name plastered all over countless rejected Senate bills
  • Biggest Political Liability: Completely out of touch with the average American corporation
  • Campaign Promises: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here
  • Key Endorsements: Burlington Free Press; Brattleboro Reformer; Vermonters for Schools and Community
  • Campaign Slogan: “One percent of this country owns 38 percent of the wealth. The bottom 60 percent owns 2.3 percent. We are essentially living in an oligarchy, one that is headed for the edge of the cliff if we do not address the social and economic inequalities that are propelling this downward spiral. How can we ever expect to reclaim the respect and support of the international community when we are starting wars in the name of democracy? When in our own country we are handing out $285 million-dollar severance packages while millions of Americans, even with the Affordable Care Act, remained uninsured? I’m telling you, the warning signs are here, and we must act. My name is Bernie Sanders.”
  • Previous Occupation: CEO of Altria
  • Potential Forthcoming Signature Ben & Jerry’s Flavor: ‘Corporaisins Are Not Pecan-ple’ Crunch; Single-Payer Heath-Care; Undelectable Candydate
  • Daily Workout Routine: 180 lbs. deadlift (3 sets x 10 reps); 160 lbs. shoulder press (3 sets x 10 reps); 90 lbs. bicep curls (5 sets each arm x 12 reps); 110 lbs. skullcrusher (2 sets x 10 reps); 320 lbs. bench press (2 sets x 8 reps)
  • Campaign Donations: Non-refundable
  • Vermont Public Radio Show: Power Of Darkness Bernie Sanders Metal Hour
  • Dangerously Radical Fringe Views: Reform Wall Street, avoid costly and ineffective conflicts in Middle East, help working families prosper

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