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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Who Is Boko Haram Leader Abubakar Shekau?

Abubakar Shekau, leader of the Nigerian militant group Boko Haram, recently boasted that he would sell more than 250 kidnapped schoolgirls in the market. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the ruthless Islamic extremist:

Twinges Of Conscience, Lifetime: Zero

Ideal Work Environment: War-torn

If He Wasn’t The Merciless Leader Of A Militant Jihadist Organization Intent On Sparing No One In Quest To Establish An Islamic State, He Would Most Likely Be: A photographer

Most Redeeming Quality: Not bulletproof

Percentage Of Hands Soaked In Blood: 98.9%

Previous Jobs: Second in command to Boko Haram leader; Third in command to Boko Haram leader; Fourth in command to Boko Haram leader

Most Hated Cardinal Direction: The West

Opinion On Gay Marriage: Unknown but, you know, known

Vertical Jump: 13.4”

Political Stance: Socially and fiscally barbaric

Likelihood Of Being Duly Elected President Of Nigeria At Some Point: 20%

Batshit Fucking Crazy: Yes

Language: Fluent in screaming brutal threats in Arabic, Hausa, Fulani, and Kanuri

Knowledge Of Islam: Limited

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