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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Who Is Boko Haram Leader Abubakar Shekau?

Abubakar Shekau, leader of the Nigerian militant group Boko Haram, recently boasted that he would sell more than 250 kidnapped schoolgirls in the market. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the ruthless Islamic extremist:

Twinges Of Conscience, Lifetime: Zero

Ideal Work Environment: War-torn

If He Wasn’t The Merciless Leader Of A Militant Jihadist Organization Intent On Sparing No One In Quest To Establish An Islamic State, He Would Most Likely Be: A photographer

Most Redeeming Quality: Not bulletproof

Percentage Of Hands Soaked In Blood: 98.9%

Previous Jobs: Second in command to Boko Haram leader; Third in command to Boko Haram leader; Fourth in command to Boko Haram leader

Most Hated Cardinal Direction: The West

Opinion On Gay Marriage: Unknown but, you know, known

Vertical Jump: 13.4”

Political Stance: Socially and fiscally barbaric

Likelihood Of Being Duly Elected President Of Nigeria At Some Point: 20%

Batshit Fucking Crazy: Yes

Language: Fluent in screaming brutal threats in Arabic, Hausa, Fulani, and Kanuri

Knowledge Of Islam: Limited

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