Who Is Boko Haram Leader Abubakar Shekau?

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Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for hi...

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McDonald’s confirmed they’re testing do-it-yourself seasoned french fries, which customers assemble by pouring packets of flavoring onto the fries in a special mixing bag, a concept that was introduced by Burger King in 2002 and failed.

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Who Is Boko Haram Leader Abubakar Shekau?

Abubakar Shekau, leader of the Nigerian militant group Boko Haram, recently boasted that he would sell more than 250 kidnapped schoolgirls in the market. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the ruthless Islamic extremist:

Twinges Of Conscience, Lifetime: Zero

Ideal Work Environment: War-torn

If He Wasn’t The Merciless Leader Of A Militant Jihadist Organization Intent On Sparing No One In Quest To Establish An Islamic State, He Would Most Likely Be: A photographer

Most Redeeming Quality: Not bulletproof

Percentage Of Hands Soaked In Blood: 98.9%

Previous Jobs: Second in command to Boko Haram leader; Third in command to Boko Haram leader; Fourth in command to Boko Haram leader

Most Hated Cardinal Direction: The West

Opinion On Gay Marriage: Unknown but, you know, known

Vertical Jump: 13.4”

Political Stance: Socially and fiscally barbaric

Likelihood Of Being Duly Elected President Of Nigeria At Some Point: 20%

Batshit Fucking Crazy: Yes

Language: Fluent in screaming brutal threats in Arabic, Hausa, Fulani, and Kanuri

Knowledge Of Islam: Limited

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