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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Who Is Bowe Bergdahl?

Bowe Bergdahl, the American soldier held captive by the Taliban for five years, was released on May 31 in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the former POW:

  • Occupation: Talking point
  • Current Location: Center of political circus
  • Questions Surrounding Him: Many
  • Radical Views: That U.S. war in Afghanistan somehow disastrous, ill-fated, unethical
  • Gets 10% Off At Buffalo Wild Wings With Valid Military ID: Yes
  • Ribs: Protruding
  • Cost Of Release: Everything this fuckin’ nation stands for
  • Future Plans: Second tour of duty
  • References In Classified White House Documents: 1,023
  • Belongings When He Left Army Platoon: Compass, knife, digital camera, diary, basketball
  • Likelihood Of Being Subject Of Future ‘60 Minutes’ Piece: Through the roof
  • What He’s Looking Forward To Most Upon Returning Home: Freedom of no longer being used as some sort of pawn for political or military gain

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