Who Is Bowe Bergdahl?

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Vol 50 Issue 22

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu

After testing out a new menu item called the quesarito in Oklahoma City to much success, Taco Bell has decided to add the new creation, a beef burrito tucked inside a cheese quesadilla, to its official menu.

Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah.
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Who Is Bowe Bergdahl?

Bowe Bergdahl, the American soldier held captive by the Taliban for five years, was released on May 31 in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the former POW:

  • Occupation: Talking point
  • Current Location: Center of political circus
  • Questions Surrounding Him: Many
  • Radical Views: That U.S. war in Afghanistan somehow disastrous, ill-fated, unethical
  • Gets 10% Off At Buffalo Wild Wings With Valid Military ID: Yes
  • Ribs: Protruding
  • Cost Of Release: Everything this fuckin’ nation stands for
  • Future Plans: Second tour of duty
  • References In Classified White House Documents: 1,023
  • Belongings When He Left Army Platoon: Compass, knife, digital camera, diary, basketball
  • Likelihood Of Being Subject Of Future ‘60 Minutes’ Piece: Through the roof
  • What He’s Looking Forward To Most Upon Returning Home: Freedom of no longer being used as some sort of pawn for political or military gain
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