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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Who Is Bowe Bergdahl?

Bowe Bergdahl, the American soldier held captive by the Taliban for five years, was released on May 31 in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the former POW:

  • Occupation: Talking point
  • Current Location: Center of political circus
  • Questions Surrounding Him: Many
  • Radical Views: That U.S. war in Afghanistan somehow disastrous, ill-fated, unethical
  • Gets 10% Off At Buffalo Wild Wings With Valid Military ID: Yes
  • Ribs: Protruding
  • Cost Of Release: Everything this fuckin’ nation stands for
  • Future Plans: Second tour of duty
  • References In Classified White House Documents: 1,023
  • Belongings When He Left Army Platoon: Compass, knife, digital camera, diary, basketball
  • Likelihood Of Being Subject Of Future ‘60 Minutes’ Piece: Through the roof
  • What He’s Looking Forward To Most Upon Returning Home: Freedom of no longer being used as some sort of pawn for political or military gain
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