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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Who Is Pope Francis?

After less than 24 hours of deliberation, the College of Cardinals has elected Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina to become the Roman Catholic Church’s 266th leader, who will be the Church’s first-ever South American pope and who will be henceforth known as Pope Francis. Here are some facts about the new pope:

Date Of Birth: December 17, 1936

Date Of Death: November 16, 2015

Number Of People Who Don’t Give A Shit What He Thinks About Anything: Approximately 5.8 billion

Spouse: Isabel Alba Bergoglio

Children: Rebecca (b. 2002), Timothy (b. 2006)

Main Goals For Papacy: Keep Catholic people Catholic, convince other people to become Catholic

Old: Yes

White: Yes

Women’s Rights: Nah

Ability To Walk Up Steps Without Help: Not great

Highest-Charting Single:“Wanna Do Ya Girl (But tha Lord is My Love),” 1989, Arista Records

Official Website: techdeals.com

What He Thinks Heaven Is Like: Mix of clouds and astroturf

Outrage Over Sexual Abuse In Catholic Church: Yeah, sure

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