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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Who Is Pope Francis?

After less than 24 hours of deliberation, the College of Cardinals has elected Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina to become the Roman Catholic Church’s 266th leader, who will be the Church’s first-ever South American pope and who will be henceforth known as Pope Francis. Here are some facts about the new pope:

Date Of Birth: December 17, 1936

Date Of Death: November 16, 2015

Number Of People Who Don’t Give A Shit What He Thinks About Anything: Approximately 5.8 billion

Spouse: Isabel Alba Bergoglio

Children: Rebecca (b. 2002), Timothy (b. 2006)

Main Goals For Papacy: Keep Catholic people Catholic, convince other people to become Catholic

Old: Yes

White: Yes

Women’s Rights: Nah

Ability To Walk Up Steps Without Help: Not great

Highest-Charting Single:“Wanna Do Ya Girl (But tha Lord is My Love),” 1989, Arista Records

Official Website: techdeals.com

What He Thinks Heaven Is Like: Mix of clouds and astroturf

Outrage Over Sexual Abuse In Catholic Church: Yeah, sure

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