Who Is Pope Francis?

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Vol 49 Issue 11

Splash

ABC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Louie Anderson, and other celebrities compete to see which one has the most mismanaged finances.

Saturday, March 23

There’s no Bloodmobile this week. Still have some left over from last time, matter of fact.

Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers

National Geographic 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT Moody teenage host Grant Brock takes you to a few aquatic locales only a gay idiot would be dumb enough to enjoy.

Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net

INDIAN WELLS, CA—In an interview following his 4-6, 6-4, 7-5 victory over Ernests Gulbis at the BNP Paribas Open, Spanish tennis player Rafael Nadal recounted hitting a shot during the second set Thursday that went super low over the net.

GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH), a leading conservative who was on Mitt Romney’s shortlist for vice president, announced the reversal of his longstanding position against same-sex marriage, saying he had a change of heart after his son came out to him two y...

NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt

The word 'innovate' is said over 24 million times at SXSW, NASA designers release a flirty new spaceskirt, and the next episode of 'Girls' to feature Lena Dunham shitting herself during gyno exam while eating a burrito.
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Comfort

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Comedy

Who Is Pope Francis?

After less than 24 hours of deliberation, the College of Cardinals has elected Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina to become the Roman Catholic Church’s 266th leader, who will be the Church’s first-ever South American pope and who will be henceforth known as Pope Francis. Here are some facts about the new pope:

Date Of Birth: December 17, 1936

Date Of Death: November 16, 2015

Number Of People Who Don’t Give A Shit What He Thinks About Anything: Approximately 5.8 billion

Spouse: Isabel Alba Bergoglio

Children: Rebecca (b. 2002), Timothy (b. 2006)

Main Goals For Papacy: Keep Catholic people Catholic, convince other people to become Catholic

Old: Yes

White: Yes

Women’s Rights: Nah

Ability To Walk Up Steps Without Help: Not great

Highest-Charting Single:“Wanna Do Ya Girl (But tha Lord is My Love),” 1989, Arista Records

Official Website: techdeals.com

What He Thinks Heaven Is Like: Mix of clouds and astroturf

Outrage Over Sexual Abuse In Catholic Church: Yeah, sure

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