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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Who Is Romney Today?

Critics have long complained that instead of sticking to strong positions on issues such as immigration, federal spending, and health care reform, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has routinely changed his stance to appeal to voters. Here are some key policies on which he has flip-flopped:

  • In 1998 Romney said he'd been married to his wife for 29 years, but in a speech just last week he claimed it's been 42 years
  • Though he now argues his views have been consistent, in 2002 he stated, "I do admit I like to flip-flop, I just love flip-flopping so much!"
  • Said he didn't like eggs but then turned right around and ate half a quiche
  • Has made repeated claims on the campaign trail that he is the anti-Romney
  • Backtracked from his assertion as Massachusetts governor that poor people were human beings with emotions and feelings
  • Stated that he was a die-hard Dockers-Classic-fit-pleated man and was later spotted on the campaign trail in Dockers flat-front straight-fits
  • Has been known to tan on one side of his body for a while, then completely turn over and let his other side face the sun
  • During the 2008 primaries, he leveled repeated attacks against Sen. John McCain. This year, he has been almost completely silent on McCain
  • Renounced his front-runner status in the current presidential campaign to focus on becoming an also-ran

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