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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Who Is Sonia Sotomayor?

Second U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor was nominated last week to replace Justice David Souter on the Supreme Court. How much do we know about this New York judge? Here's some biographical information:

Never forgot her impoverished roots and made her own robes for 10 years

Occasionally appears in court as her dark alter ego, Judge Saskia Sorrowmaker

Wears an Ace bandage on her left arm due to an old gavel-pounding injury

Feels that mini tacos are degrading, not in any racial sense, but from a taco-lover's perspective

Completely embarrassed herself one time by confusing the Privileges and Immunities Clause of Article IV with the Privileges or Immunities Clause of Amendment XIV

Led the Circuit Court League in overrulings from 1996 to 1999

Rolls her R's in "overruled" in the most delightfully saucy way

Avoided formulating an opinion about Roe v. Wade on the off chance that she would be nominated for the Supreme Court

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