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Who Is Ted Cruz?

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Election 2016

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Election 2016

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Who Is Ted Cruz?

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy. Here is what you should know about the first-term senator:

  • Political Positions: Deafening
  • Ethnicity: White enough
  • Supporters: Those people from high school who got married when they were 18
  • Speaks: Spanish, English, Tongues
  • Campaign Slogan: “I’m Ted Cruz”
  • Likelihood Of Becoming President: Huckabeesque
  • Campaign Platform: Be a distraction for a few months
  • Largest Obstacles To Nomination: Scott Walker, Rand Paul, five seconds of scrutiny
  • Could Be Fun To Watch As Campaign Sputters Along: Sure
  • Number Of Presidential Runs Left In Him: Ugh, at least three or four

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