adBlockCheck

Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

Who Is Ted Cruz?

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy. Here is what you should know about the first-term senator:

  • Political Positions: Deafening
  • Ethnicity: White enough
  • Supporters: Those people from high school who got married when they were 18
  • Speaks: Spanish, English, Tongues
  • Campaign Slogan: “I’m Ted Cruz”
  • Likelihood Of Becoming President: Huckabeesque
  • Campaign Platform: Be a distraction for a few months
  • Largest Obstacles To Nomination: Scott Walker, Rand Paul, five seconds of scrutiny
  • Could Be Fun To Watch As Campaign Sputters Along: Sure
  • Number Of Presidential Runs Left In Him: Ugh, at least three or four

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close