Who Is Vladimir Putin?

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Vol 50 Issue 29

Grandpa Looking Absolutely Precious In New Baseball Cap

A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at Six Flags, and a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap.

Tips For Choosing A Good Babysitter

More mothers and fathers today are working full-time while raising kids, which means parents are increasingly turning to babysitters and nannies to care for their children at home.
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Who Is Vladimir Putin?

After troops from his country forcibly seized Crimea earlier this year, Russian president Vladimir Putin is back in the news for allegedly arming separatists in eastern Ukraine with the missiles that are believed to have taken down Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 last week. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about Russia’s leader:

  • Height: 5’7”
  • Statue Height: 6’2”
  • Hobbies: Collecting sovereign territories
  • Interests: Dioxin, polonium 210, thallium
  • Predecessor: Vladimir Putin
  • Successor: Vladimir Putin
  • Membership In KGB: Active
  • Occupation: First and foremost, a dad to two pretty amazing kids
  • Stare: Pitiless
  • Number Of Times A Day Utters Words “With My Bare Hands”: 28
  • Pets: 1.3 million Chechens, black lab
  • Nervous Habit: Bending lead pipes
  • Sleep: Untroubled
  • Number Of Steps Currently Ahead: Two
  • Preferred Solution To Civil Unrest: Permanent
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