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Who Is Vladimir Putin?

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Who Is Vladimir Putin?

After troops from his country forcibly seized Crimea earlier this year, Russian president Vladimir Putin is back in the news for allegedly arming separatists in eastern Ukraine with the missiles that are believed to have taken down Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 last week. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about Russia’s leader:

  • Height: 5’7”
  • Statue Height: 6’2”
  • Hobbies: Collecting sovereign territories
  • Interests: Dioxin, polonium 210, thallium
  • Predecessor: Vladimir Putin
  • Successor: Vladimir Putin
  • Membership In KGB: Active
  • Occupation: First and foremost, a dad to two pretty amazing kids
  • Stare: Pitiless
  • Number Of Times A Day Utters Words “With My Bare Hands”: 28
  • Pets: 1.3 million Chechens, black lab
  • Nervous Habit: Bending lead pipes
  • Sleep: Untroubled
  • Number Of Steps Currently Ahead: Two
  • Preferred Solution To Civil Unrest: Permanent

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