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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Who Will Be The New Voice Of NFL Films?

Replacing the late, great Harry Kalas as the voice of NFL Films is no small task. Onion Sports evaluates the leading candidates:

Pat Summerall: Though his voice is ideal for the role, he is completely unable to pronounce the phrase "frozen tundra"

Morgan Freeman: His soothing voice adds a new layer to plays as long as no one minds him calling everyone a penguin

James Earl Jones: Has the perfect voice, and is also willing to carry all the camera equipment and shoot all the games, just as Harry Kalas did

Dan Castellaneta: 40 wacky characters for the price of one, plus he could do the voices of the players and what they're thinking

Gilbert Gottfried: Because the people at NFL Films hate you

Lucinda Williams: Her heartbreakingly sorrowful delivery would lend football highlights the forlorn, weather-beaten desolation they currently lack

Jim Nance: Wouldn't have poisoned Harry Kalas without thinking through how he would eventually get the NFL Films job

Chris Berman: Wait, what? What the fuck? Seriously, who thought that was a good idea?

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