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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Who Will Be The New Voice Of NFL Films?

Replacing the late, great Harry Kalas as the voice of NFL Films is no small task. Onion Sports evaluates the leading candidates:

Pat Summerall: Though his voice is ideal for the role, he is completely unable to pronounce the phrase "frozen tundra"

Morgan Freeman: His soothing voice adds a new layer to plays as long as no one minds him calling everyone a penguin

James Earl Jones: Has the perfect voice, and is also willing to carry all the camera equipment and shoot all the games, just as Harry Kalas did

Dan Castellaneta: 40 wacky characters for the price of one, plus he could do the voices of the players and what they're thinking

Gilbert Gottfried: Because the people at NFL Films hate you

Lucinda Williams: Her heartbreakingly sorrowful delivery would lend football highlights the forlorn, weather-beaten desolation they currently lack

Jim Nance: Wouldn't have poisoned Harry Kalas without thinking through how he would eventually get the NFL Films job

Chris Berman: Wait, what? What the fuck? Seriously, who thought that was a good idea?

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