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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Who Will Replace Kennedy

  • Malachy O'Halloran: Dorchester, MA retired ironworker, bar regular, and professional Irish American
  • You: Could probably predict how Ted Kennedy would vote by now
  • Tommy Musgrove: This high-school civics student is said to be considering a senate run as his senior project
  • Vampire Ted Kennedy: A desire to see health reform through an unquenchable thirst for blood could propel this political legend back onto the national stage
  • Marvin D. Johnson: Younger brother of Lyndon B. Johnson claims that he should assume Kennedy's position on grounds of historical continuity
  • Brian Dennehy: Will need a gig after quickie Ted Kennedy biopic wraps
  • Wally the Green Monster: Red Sox mascot may be the only candidate whose broad-based regional appeal, physical stature, and comically oversized head could live up to the late senator's
  • Probably some asshole

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