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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Who Will Replace Kennedy

  • Malachy O'Halloran: Dorchester, MA retired ironworker, bar regular, and professional Irish American
  • You: Could probably predict how Ted Kennedy would vote by now
  • Tommy Musgrove: This high-school civics student is said to be considering a senate run as his senior project
  • Vampire Ted Kennedy: A desire to see health reform through an unquenchable thirst for blood could propel this political legend back onto the national stage
  • Marvin D. Johnson: Younger brother of Lyndon B. Johnson claims that he should assume Kennedy's position on grounds of historical continuity
  • Brian Dennehy: Will need a gig after quickie Ted Kennedy biopic wraps
  • Wally the Green Monster: Red Sox mascot may be the only candidate whose broad-based regional appeal, physical stature, and comically oversized head could live up to the late senator's
  • Probably some asshole

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