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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Why Are Gas Prices So Low?

The average price of a gallon of gas is at its lowest level since April 2009, giving rise to speculation about why the cost of oil continues to drop and how long consumers can expect the trend to last. Here are answers to common questions about the low price of gas:

Why are gas prices so low?

Jesus, why can’t you just enjoy this for a minute and not worry about that?

How long will gas prices remain low?

Forever.

Who benefits from the price drop?

Anyone who’s alive to enjoy low prices but dead before the full consequences of fossil fuel usage are felt.

Where does oil come from?

The decomposing remains of long-dead environmental regulations.

I own an electric or hybrid car. How does this affect me?

It means you wasted your fucking money.

Where is gasoline cheapest?

Definitely go to the Shell down off exit 17, it’s like six cents cheaper than the Sunoco right there.

Where does this put green technology?

Oh, we don’t need that anymore.

Does it get any better than this, folks?

No.

Isn’t it bad to increasingly rely on chemical fracking processes that have a negative impact on the environment and still unknown effects on human health?

Oh, my God, have you heard it could go even lower than $2.00? Seriously, it could happen. Think of all the money you could save! It’s like stuffing bills right in your pocket.

I love the way gasoline smells. Frankly, I find it arousing. Are there others like me, who’d be open to meeting up and exploring this interest?

I can be reached at home most weeknights: 312-555-4381.

Is there anything we can do to help out the energy companies that are losing money due to the decline in the price of oil?

Yes. Donation information can be found on the home pages of BP, ExxonMobil, Gazprom, and other oil and gas conglomerates’ websites.

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