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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Why Are Gas Prices So Low?

The average price of a gallon of gas is at its lowest level since April 2009, giving rise to speculation about why the cost of oil continues to drop and how long consumers can expect the trend to last. Here are answers to common questions about the low price of gas:

Why are gas prices so low?

Jesus, why can’t you just enjoy this for a minute and not worry about that?

How long will gas prices remain low?

Forever.

Who benefits from the price drop?

Anyone who’s alive to enjoy low prices but dead before the full consequences of fossil fuel usage are felt.

Where does oil come from?

The decomposing remains of long-dead environmental regulations.

I own an electric or hybrid car. How does this affect me?

It means you wasted your fucking money.

Where is gasoline cheapest?

Definitely go to the Shell down off exit 17, it’s like six cents cheaper than the Sunoco right there.

Where does this put green technology?

Oh, we don’t need that anymore.

Does it get any better than this, folks?

No.

Isn’t it bad to increasingly rely on chemical fracking processes that have a negative impact on the environment and still unknown effects on human health?

Oh, my God, have you heard it could go even lower than $2.00? Seriously, it could happen. Think of all the money you could save! It’s like stuffing bills right in your pocket.

I love the way gasoline smells. Frankly, I find it arousing. Are there others like me, who’d be open to meeting up and exploring this interest?

I can be reached at home most weeknights: 312-555-4381.

Is there anything we can do to help out the energy companies that are losing money due to the decline in the price of oil?

Yes. Donation information can be found on the home pages of BP, ExxonMobil, Gazprom, and other oil and gas conglomerates’ websites.

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