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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Why Are Gas Prices So Low?

The average price of a gallon of gas is at its lowest level since April 2009, giving rise to speculation about why the cost of oil continues to drop and how long consumers can expect the trend to last. Here are answers to common questions about the low price of gas:

Why are gas prices so low?

Jesus, why can’t you just enjoy this for a minute and not worry about that?

How long will gas prices remain low?

Forever.

Who benefits from the price drop?

Anyone who’s alive to enjoy low prices but dead before the full consequences of fossil fuel usage are felt.

Where does oil come from?

The decomposing remains of long-dead environmental regulations.

I own an electric or hybrid car. How does this affect me?

It means you wasted your fucking money.

Where is gasoline cheapest?

Definitely go to the Shell down off exit 17, it’s like six cents cheaper than the Sunoco right there.

Where does this put green technology?

Oh, we don’t need that anymore.

Does it get any better than this, folks?

No.

Isn’t it bad to increasingly rely on chemical fracking processes that have a negative impact on the environment and still unknown effects on human health?

Oh, my God, have you heard it could go even lower than $2.00? Seriously, it could happen. Think of all the money you could save! It’s like stuffing bills right in your pocket.

I love the way gasoline smells. Frankly, I find it arousing. Are there others like me, who’d be open to meeting up and exploring this interest?

I can be reached at home most weeknights: 312-555-4381.

Is there anything we can do to help out the energy companies that are losing money due to the decline in the price of oil?

Yes. Donation information can be found on the home pages of BP, ExxonMobil, Gazprom, and other oil and gas conglomerates’ websites.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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