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Why Hotel Rooms Cost So Much

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Why Hotel Rooms Cost So Much

Americans pay an average of $1,000 per month to rent their apartments, yet booking a hotel room for one night can cost hundreds of dollars, leading many consumers to question why hotels charge so much for rooms. Here’s The Onion’s look at where your money goes when you book a hotel room:

  • $15: Daily cleanup of water puddles left by dripping wet children getting back from the pool
  • $50: Mandatory all-staff training for folding towels into regionally appropriate animals
  • $14.95: Intermittently high-speed internet
  • $400: Extracting guests stuck in revolving doors
  • $135: Continental breakfast
  • $1,200: Daily hospital costs for burns suffered at waffle-making station
  • $20/hr: Man to stand guard and wave drifters away from your bed while you sleep
  • $8: Cost of shaving regular bar of soap down to miniature bar of soap
  • $15: Power washing blood off headboard
  • $500,000: Pastel picture of a swan on wall of room
  • $4: Price per whistle for doorman hailing a cab
  • $100: Fee to actually not disturb room

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