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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Why Hotel Rooms Cost So Much

Americans pay an average of $1,000 per month to rent their apartments, yet booking a hotel room for one night can cost hundreds of dollars, leading many consumers to question why hotels charge so much for rooms. Here’s The Onion’s look at where your money goes when you book a hotel room:

  • $15: Daily cleanup of water puddles left by dripping wet children getting back from the pool
  • $50: Mandatory all-staff training for folding towels into regionally appropriate animals
  • $14.95: Intermittently high-speed internet
  • $400: Extracting guests stuck in revolving doors
  • $135: Continental breakfast
  • $1,200: Daily hospital costs for burns suffered at waffle-making station
  • $20/hr: Man to stand guard and wave drifters away from your bed while you sleep
  • $8: Cost of shaving regular bar of soap down to miniature bar of soap
  • $15: Power washing blood off headboard
  • $500,000: Pastel picture of a swan on wall of room
  • $4: Price per whistle for doorman hailing a cab
  • $100: Fee to actually not disturb room

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