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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Why We Hate LeBron

No one denies that LeBron James is a phenomenal young talent who has turned in some almost supernaturally good performances, but he's still generally unloved by fans. Here's why:

  • Skills second only to Kobe, touch second only to Bird, vision second only to Magic, and strength second only to Russell; therefore, pretty much a worthless second-rater
  • Was supposed to be the next Jordan, but chose friendship over a monomaniacal obsession with winning bordering on mental illness
  • Does this really annoying thing where he isn't always playing on Team USA and is instead playing for the Heat so then you have to root against him
  • Significant percentage of sports fans are jealous of his high school diploma
  • Abandoned and gave up on Cleveland, albeit decades after the rest of us did
  • Makes us feel guilty for never doing anything to make Cleveland better ourselves
  • Dunked over the pope at last year’s St. Peter's Basketbasilica Jamfest, even though the game was already out of hand
  • Televising The Decision repelled and frightened the American public, most of whom have spent their whole lives trying to avoid making decisions
  • Basically, it's easier not to really think about it

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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