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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Why Women's Professional Soccer Failed in the U.S.

With the sad and unnecessary death of Women's Professional Soccer last week, there is no longer a professional standalone women's soccer league in the United States. Here are the main reasons why:

  • Most teams had fewer than one Hope Solo on their roster at any given time
  • Tried to establish teams in markets where women's soccer isn't traditionally watched, such as the United States
  • Turns out there are already web sites that stream video of kicking women that don't require a sham sports league organized as a cover
  • The shared vision of giving little girls strong, positive role models not actually shared by anyone
  • Missed the mark on the first maxim of sports business: Market to 18-39 year-old men with sad, empty lives
  • The few televised games the league managed to air were in competition with the ability to turn the TV off and go to sleep
  • Many of the best players chose a more lucrative career path, such as unemployment
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