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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Why Women's Professional Soccer Failed in the U.S.

With the sad and unnecessary death of Women's Professional Soccer last week, there is no longer a professional standalone women's soccer league in the United States. Here are the main reasons why:

  • Most teams had fewer than one Hope Solo on their roster at any given time
  • Tried to establish teams in markets where women's soccer isn't traditionally watched, such as the United States
  • Turns out there are already web sites that stream video of kicking women that don't require a sham sports league organized as a cover
  • The shared vision of giving little girls strong, positive role models not actually shared by anyone
  • Missed the mark on the first maxim of sports business: Market to 18-39 year-old men with sad, empty lives
  • The few televised games the league managed to air were in competition with the ability to turn the TV off and go to sleep
  • Many of the best players chose a more lucrative career path, such as unemployment

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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