Wikileaks' Embarrassing Revelations

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Vol 46 Issue 49

Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.

Don Meredith

He was the first Dallas Cowboys quarterback to have a winning season and the first star ex-player on Monday Night Football, but he was still much loved. Was he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Wikileaks' Embarrassing Revelations

Last week, the whistle-blower website Wikileaks released more than 250,000 pages of sensitive diplomatic notes, cables, and information from the United States government. Here is some of the information included in the mountain of documents:

  • In 2008, Nicolas Sarkozy gave everyone else iPods for Christmas, but U.S. diplomats received candles
  • Kim Jong-il is registered with the Writers Guild of America under the pseudonym "Roland Emmerich"
  • Rahm Emanuel brushes his teeth if he eats so much as a snack
  • Since the first day of his tenure, U.K. prime minister David Cameron has lobbied the Queen to knight Spacemen 3 as a band
  • Threats and aid offers equally ineffective in forcing Vladimir Putin to put a shirt on during diplomatic negotiations
  • Ahmadinejad has a closet with, like, 200 of those jackets
  • The majority of diplomatic relations with Israel still go through comatose former prime minister Ariel Sharon
  • U.S. diplomatic privacy measures are terrible
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