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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Wikileaks' Embarrassing Revelations

Last week, the whistle-blower website Wikileaks released more than 250,000 pages of sensitive diplomatic notes, cables, and information from the United States government. Here is some of the information included in the mountain of documents:

  • In 2008, Nicolas Sarkozy gave everyone else iPods for Christmas, but U.S. diplomats received candles
  • Kim Jong-il is registered with the Writers Guild of America under the pseudonym "Roland Emmerich"
  • Rahm Emanuel brushes his teeth if he eats so much as a snack
  • Since the first day of his tenure, U.K. prime minister David Cameron has lobbied the Queen to knight Spacemen 3 as a band
  • Threats and aid offers equally ineffective in forcing Vladimir Putin to put a shirt on during diplomatic negotiations
  • Ahmadinejad has a closet with, like, 200 of those jackets
  • The majority of diplomatic relations with Israel still go through comatose former prime minister Ariel Sharon
  • U.S. diplomatic privacy measures are terrible

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