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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Wikileaks To Take On Bank Of America

Amidst the news surrounding the sensitive diplomatic information released last week, Wikileaks head Julian Assange hinted that he would be releasing documents from a major financial institution. The Onion has been granted special access to these documents, and is proud to present some of the more damning revelations about Bank of America:

  • TARP bailout funded the Men's Warehouse spree needed to restore confidence in the company
  • List of employees who have generously contributed to executive Catherine P. Bessant's Bank of America fun run, employees who have not
  • Whenever CEO Brian Moynihan needs to buy a cup of coffee, he takes a few dollars from a random customer's account
  • CFO Charles Noski has had to have the concept of interest explained to him eight times since being hired
  • There is nothing in the Bank of America vaults excepts bones of poor people
  • Tellers have been secretly cramming 51 cents into each roll of pennies to try and get rid of them all
  • Executives attempted to cover up a video showing a Bank of America helicopter strike on squatters in a Tampa-area foreclosed home
  • During the October 2008 collapse, then-CEO Ken Lewis proposed removing lollipops from lobbies to cut costs

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