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Wikileaks To Take On Bank Of America

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Wikileaks To Take On Bank Of America

Amidst the news surrounding the sensitive diplomatic information released last week, Wikileaks head Julian Assange hinted that he would be releasing documents from a major financial institution. The Onion has been granted special access to these documents, and is proud to present some of the more damning revelations about Bank of America:

  • TARP bailout funded the Men's Warehouse spree needed to restore confidence in the company
  • List of employees who have generously contributed to executive Catherine P. Bessant's Bank of America fun run, employees who have not
  • Whenever CEO Brian Moynihan needs to buy a cup of coffee, he takes a few dollars from a random customer's account
  • CFO Charles Noski has had to have the concept of interest explained to him eight times since being hired
  • There is nothing in the Bank of America vaults excepts bones of poor people
  • Tellers have been secretly cramming 51 cents into each roll of pennies to try and get rid of them all
  • Executives attempted to cover up a video showing a Bank of America helicopter strike on squatters in a Tampa-area foreclosed home
  • During the October 2008 collapse, then-CEO Ken Lewis proposed removing lollipops from lobbies to cut costs

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