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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Wikileaks To Take On Bank Of America

Amidst the news surrounding the sensitive diplomatic information released last week, Wikileaks head Julian Assange hinted that he would be releasing documents from a major financial institution. The Onion has been granted special access to these documents, and is proud to present some of the more damning revelations about Bank of America:

  • TARP bailout funded the Men's Warehouse spree needed to restore confidence in the company
  • List of employees who have generously contributed to executive Catherine P. Bessant's Bank of America fun run, employees who have not
  • Whenever CEO Brian Moynihan needs to buy a cup of coffee, he takes a few dollars from a random customer's account
  • CFO Charles Noski has had to have the concept of interest explained to him eight times since being hired
  • There is nothing in the Bank of America vaults excepts bones of poor people
  • Tellers have been secretly cramming 51 cents into each roll of pennies to try and get rid of them all
  • Executives attempted to cover up a video showing a Bank of America helicopter strike on squatters in a Tampa-area foreclosed home
  • During the October 2008 collapse, then-CEO Ken Lewis proposed removing lollipops from lobbies to cut costs

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