Wikileaks To Take On Bank Of America

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Vol 46 Issue 49

Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.

Don Meredith

He was the first Dallas Cowboys quarterback to have a winning season and the first star ex-player on Monday Night Football, but he was still much loved. Was he any good?
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Wikileaks To Take On Bank Of America

Amidst the news surrounding the sensitive diplomatic information released last week, Wikileaks head Julian Assange hinted that he would be releasing documents from a major financial institution. The Onion has been granted special access to these documents, and is proud to present some of the more damning revelations about Bank of America:

  • TARP bailout funded the Men's Warehouse spree needed to restore confidence in the company
  • List of employees who have generously contributed to executive Catherine P. Bessant's Bank of America fun run, employees who have not
  • Whenever CEO Brian Moynihan needs to buy a cup of coffee, he takes a few dollars from a random customer's account
  • CFO Charles Noski has had to have the concept of interest explained to him eight times since being hired
  • There is nothing in the Bank of America vaults excepts bones of poor people
  • Tellers have been secretly cramming 51 cents into each roll of pennies to try and get rid of them all
  • Executives attempted to cover up a video showing a Bank of America helicopter strike on squatters in a Tampa-area foreclosed home
  • During the October 2008 collapse, then-CEO Ken Lewis proposed removing lollipops from lobbies to cut costs
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