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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Winter Olympics Schedule

The 22nd Winter Olympics is in full swing in the resort town of Sochi, Russia, where top athletes from around the world will compete over the next two weeks to win medals for ice hockey, figure skating, and more. Here are some of the game’s most highly anticipated events:

  • Day 1: Russian journalists marvel at the luxury of Sochi hotels
  • Day 2: All athletes are welcomed with a five-pound bag of turnips
  • Day 4: Snowboarders secure their reputations as being the coolest athletes by performing all events with a boombox on their shoulders
  • Day 5: Extra security brought in to control the rabid fan base of Bulgarian skier Krasimir Anev
  • Day 6: Men’s ski slopestyle competition
  • Day 7: Memorial service for those lost in the men’s ski slopestyle competition
  • Day 8: Intermission
  • Day 12: A special gold medal is awarded to the athlete with the longest tongue
  • Day 13: Twirly, sparkly woman named Nadia or Adrinovka or something prepares to transport the living shit out of world
  • Day 16: After closing ceremonies, officials cull stray athletes from Olympic Village
  • Day 17: World realizes they forgot to watch any of the games

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