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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Women In Motorsports

In honor of this year's Indy 500, the first to feature three female drivers, Onion Sports looks at some other great moments for women in motorsports history:

1920–1940: Women get their start in racing by souping up their stock cars to run bootleg Cosmopolitans, Sex-on-the-Beaches, and Malibu and Diet Cokes across state lines

1977: Lella Lombardi becomes the first female driver in history to compete in both NASCAR and Formula 1, and also the first to have her tires slashed by both Dale Earnhardt and Gilles Villeneuve

1978: Janet Guthrie finishes ninth in the Indy 500, finally proving to the world that women can do anything Steve Krisiloff can do

1982: Robin McCall finishes a race a Michigan Speedway in a completely professional manner, without succumbing to any female stereotypes whatsoever, then gracefully retires from the sport without incident

1984: Motorcycle road-racing champion and Tourist Trophy winner Mike Duff undergoes a sex change and becomes Michelle Ann Duff, giving motorcycle racing its first-ever female star

1992: Kelly Sutton, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, becomes the only driver in the Craftsman Truck series to race with the handicap of being a woman

1997: Sharon Reiss finally beats Leslie Halfhill in their daily race to see who can get their kids to school first

1999: Millions of male fans fall instantly and deeply in love with Sarah Fisher the first time she steps out of her car, removes her helmet, and shakes out her gorgeously long honey-blonde hair in slow motion

2000: Lyn St. James starts the Indy 500 in next-to-last place and eventually finishes in next-to-last place in what motorsports aficionados agree is the most appropriate performance ever by a woman driver

2005: Danica Patrick becomes the first woman ever to lead the Indy 500; afterwards, Patrick is praised throughout the racing community for not embarrassing everybody by getting lost, causing an accident, or winning

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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