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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Women In Motorsports

In honor of this year's Indy 500, the first to feature three female drivers, Onion Sports looks at some other great moments for women in motorsports history:

1920–1940: Women get their start in racing by souping up their stock cars to run bootleg Cosmopolitans, Sex-on-the-Beaches, and Malibu and Diet Cokes across state lines

1977: Lella Lombardi becomes the first female driver in history to compete in both NASCAR and Formula 1, and also the first to have her tires slashed by both Dale Earnhardt and Gilles Villeneuve

1978: Janet Guthrie finishes ninth in the Indy 500, finally proving to the world that women can do anything Steve Krisiloff can do

1982: Robin McCall finishes a race a Michigan Speedway in a completely professional manner, without succumbing to any female stereotypes whatsoever, then gracefully retires from the sport without incident

1984: Motorcycle road-racing champion and Tourist Trophy winner Mike Duff undergoes a sex change and becomes Michelle Ann Duff, giving motorcycle racing its first-ever female star

1992: Kelly Sutton, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, becomes the only driver in the Craftsman Truck series to race with the handicap of being a woman

1997: Sharon Reiss finally beats Leslie Halfhill in their daily race to see who can get their kids to school first

1999: Millions of male fans fall instantly and deeply in love with Sarah Fisher the first time she steps out of her car, removes her helmet, and shakes out her gorgeously long honey-blonde hair in slow motion

2000: Lyn St. James starts the Indy 500 in next-to-last place and eventually finishes in next-to-last place in what motorsports aficionados agree is the most appropriate performance ever by a woman driver

2005: Danica Patrick becomes the first woman ever to lead the Indy 500; afterwards, Patrick is praised throughout the racing community for not embarrassing everybody by getting lost, causing an accident, or winning

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