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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Women's Increasing Role In Combat

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced last week that the U.S. armed forces would lift a regulation that barred women from serving in official combat roles on the front lines. Here are some other notable milestones in women’s military history:

  • 418: With the help of her trusty dragon, Mushu, golden-voiced female warrior Mulan thwarts the Hun invasion by burying them all in an avalanche
  • 1688: The defeat of the Spanish Armada sees the end of live women strapped to the front of warships, as they begin to be replaced with more ornate carvings of them
  • 1781: After routing British regulars at Yorktown, the victorious colonials are scandalized to find out that the horse ridden by Gen. George Washington is a mare
  • 1808: Virginia resident Bob Therman’s theory on women having inherently terrible aim was proven tragically wrong after challenging 20 women to try their best to shoot him from three feet away
  • 1853: Florence Nightingale idly picks up a grenade and hurls it across enemy lines
  • 1945: President Truman’s wife suggests dropping a bunch of atomic bombs on Japan
  • 1949: Women continue to fight in the war against grease buildup with only the aid of fast-acting Palmolive dish soap
  • 1969: A group of modern-day North Vietnamese Joan of Arcs become the latest females in a war zone to be burned alive
  • 1980: The first woman graduates from the United States Military Academy at West Point and is given the rank of Little Miss Soldier

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