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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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World Baseball Classic Team-By-Team Breakdown

Australia: The team seems pretty well-rounded since mysterious documents turned up proving that David Wright, Frank Thomas, and Hanley Ramirez are all native Aussies

China: Too busy attempting to put their uniforms on Chinese Taipei players to be an actual threat

Cuba: While this Caribbean nation is flush with talented baseball players, most of them have disappeared through a hole in the right field wall

Dominican Republic: With 90 percent of Major League Baseball on its roster, the only thing holding this team back is fitting everyone into the dugout

Netherlands: A team to look out for, because in Amsterdam's famous Red Light Stadium, anything goes

Panama: This fairly talented team would be more prepared for the competition if Panama were large enough to contain both an infield and an outfield

United States: There is a lot of pressure on this talented roster to perform well, and if they don't, no one will care

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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