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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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World's Oldest Musical Instrument Discovered

Last month, the journal Nature reported that archaeologists had discovered the world's oldest known musical instrument, a 35,000-year-old flute made from a vulture bone. Here are some other recently unearthed artifacts:

Arada, Chad (160 million years old): The world's largest pebble, standing more than 8 feet tall and weighing two tons; researchers believe the rock once was a source of irritation to dinosaurs' feet

Degan, Ethiopia (1.3 million years old): The world's first pile of dirt, which was found directly beneath what was previously thought to have been the world's first pile of dirt

Bonn, Germany (90,000 years old): The oldest known folder, consisting of two thick stone tablets with a number of thinner tablets hastily stacked inside

Cairo, Egypt (15,000 years old): The first known twisty thing that keeps bread fresh was discovered in the street near the original Egyptian A&P;

Focsani, Romania (14,000 years old): World's oldest bowl thrown out because no one washed it and it got really gross

New Providence, NJ (5,230 years old): World's earliest existing scanner, fashioned out of a primitive monochromatic photodiode array connected via calf tendon to a cold-cathode fluorescent bulb

St. Petersburg, Russia (2,500 years old): First mini golf course, in which one had to hit the ball through the carcasses of a boar, duck, and dog, and then over a little bridge

Naperville, IL (38 years old): Aden Osgood excavated the world's oldest Fla-Vor-Ice from the thick layer of frost buildup in his grandmother's basement freezer

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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