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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Worst Coaching Performances

Coaches Lloyd Carr, Romeo Crennel, and Isiah Thomas have all been under the microscope lately, but it remains to be seen if their coaching performances rank with these, possibly the worst of all time:

1876: Ballpark proprietor William Cammeyer gives the players of his New York Mutuals club a pouch of chewing tobacco

1965: 75-year-old, dementia-ridden Casey Stengel removes pitcher Jack Fischer and replaces him with a meatloaf sandwich

1985: With his team on the Patriots' two-yard line in Super Bowl XX, Bears coach Mike Ditka refuses to give the ball to Walter Payton, the beloved halfback whose powerful running carried the team throughout the season, instead allowing some fat fuck with a popular nickname to score a cute novelty touchdown

1986-1993: NFL head coaching career of Jerry Glanville

1992: Before Game 3 of the NBA Finals, Paul Westphal accidentally tells the Phoenix Suns to go out there and lose

1998: During his first NCAA championship game, a flustered Mike Krzyzewski calls 37 time-outs during a two-minute period at the end of the first half

1998: Packers coach Mike Holmgren allows the Denver Broncos to score the go-ahead touchdown unhindered in hopes that would get him the Broncos job in his walk year

2000: Rusty Tillman and seven other guys agree to coach in the XFL

2001: Ahead 6-5 in the bottom of the ninth in Game 6 of the World Series, Phillies manager Jim Fregosi decides to run out the clock

2007: Willie Randolph rests his players during the last game of the season to keep them fresh in case they make the playoffs

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