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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Worst Coaching Performances

Coaches Lloyd Carr, Romeo Crennel, and Isiah Thomas have all been under the microscope lately, but it remains to be seen if their coaching performances rank with these, possibly the worst of all time:

1876: Ballpark proprietor William Cammeyer gives the players of his New York Mutuals club a pouch of chewing tobacco

1965: 75-year-old, dementia-ridden Casey Stengel removes pitcher Jack Fischer and replaces him with a meatloaf sandwich

1985: With his team on the Patriots' two-yard line in Super Bowl XX, Bears coach Mike Ditka refuses to give the ball to Walter Payton, the beloved halfback whose powerful running carried the team throughout the season, instead allowing some fat fuck with a popular nickname to score a cute novelty touchdown

1986-1993: NFL head coaching career of Jerry Glanville

1992: Before Game 3 of the NBA Finals, Paul Westphal accidentally tells the Phoenix Suns to go out there and lose

1998: During his first NCAA championship game, a flustered Mike Krzyzewski calls 37 time-outs during a two-minute period at the end of the first half

1998: Packers coach Mike Holmgren allows the Denver Broncos to score the go-ahead touchdown unhindered in hopes that would get him the Broncos job in his walk year

2000: Rusty Tillman and seven other guys agree to coach in the XFL

2001: Ahead 6-5 in the bottom of the ninth in Game 6 of the World Series, Phillies manager Jim Fregosi decides to run out the clock

2007: Willie Randolph rests his players during the last game of the season to keep them fresh in case they make the playoffs

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