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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Worst-Ever NFL Playoff Chokes

Poor performances by Tony Romo and Peyton Manning contributed to their teams' losses in the divisional playoffs, but they weren't the worst choke-jobs of all time. Onion Sports takes a look at the ones that were:

1971: The Miami Dolphins are defeated in the Super Bowl when head coach Don Shula decides against experience and starts 10-year-old quarterback Dan Marino

1979: Charger quarterback Dan Fouts is intercepted five times by the Oilers in a divisional playoff loss, which Fouts later ascribes to rookie safety Vernon Perry looking just like the guy he buys cocaine from

1991: In the most famous choke in NFL history, Scott Norwood is inexplicably unable to propel an irregularly shaped object through two raised posts 141 feet away using only his foot

1999: The Cowboys lose a playoff game at home to the Arizona Cardinals... the ARIZONA CARDINALS

2000: Kevin Dyson chokes away the Titans' chance at a Super Bowl title by not having arms one yard longer

2005: Legendary Chiefs coach Hank Stram dies at the age of 82 while trying to eat half a steak in one bite

2007: The Dallas Mavericks' stunning loss to the Golden State Warriors notable enough to mandate inclusion on all "worst choke" lists regardless of sport

2007: Peyton Manning succumbs to the immense pressure of Super Bowl XLI and is only able to lead the Colts to a 12-point victory

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