Worst NFL Draft Picks 2008

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Worst NFL Draft Picks 2008

Grading the annual NFL Player Draft is an inexact science, but some selections are obviously wrong from the start. Onion Sports runs down this year's most ill-advised choices:

Derrick Harvey, DE, Jaguars: Although Jacksonville could use an outside pass rusher on their defense, Harvey is just a guy Mel Kiper made up

John David Booty, QB, Vikings: An athletic quarterback with an accurate delivery, but scouts say Booty struggles when playing for monumentally shitty organizations

Jordy Nelson, WR, Packers: Can separate from cornerbacks, but only after a months-long, emotionally exhausting argument about whether or not their marriage can work out

Jake Long, OT, Dolphins: Looked good leading up to draft, but after signing with Dolphins, cut his own legs off in order to salvage some dignity

Aqib Talib, CB, Bucs: Highly touted speed shown to be a farce at after-draft party when Talib was unable to outrun a crowd of foxy young ladies in high heels

Kentwan Balmer, DT, 49ers: Was considered a solid tackle going into the draft, but medical tests revealed he is actually about 70% liquid

Various Players, Bears: No one is sure exactly why the Bears decided to take every player in the seventh round of the draft, but odds are that this will not work well for them

William Hayes, DE, Titans: In a brain-dead move of epic proportions, the Titans select Hayes 103rd when any cross-eyed inbred could see they could have easily taken him at 126

Dustin Keller, TE, Jets: Versatile player, but the Jets already have 37 tight ends on their roster

David Vobora, OL, Rams: Last pick in the draft has no business being in NFL, but the Rams saw the heartbroken look on his big old moon face and…Aww, well, you know


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