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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Worst Sports Teams

Onion Sports examines the most awful teams throughout the history of athletic competition.

  • 1913-2013 New York Yankees: Despite their success, never learned the true meaning of baseball
  • 1917-1992 Anaheim Ducks: This lackluster team posted zero wins over this 75-year period
  • 1972 Miami Dolphins: Have only become more insufferable over time
  • 1999 Florida State Dance Team: Absolutely no heart
  • 2002 Alverno College Women’s Basketball Team: Their 3-22 record made them the laughingstock of the NAC
  • 2007 New York Giants: It doesn’t matter that they won the Super Bowl—the Giants sucked that year and just got lucky in the playoffs
  • 2008 Detroit Lions: The Lions failed to win a single game in 2008, which only sounds bad if you consider that they were a team of paid professionals who had been playing football their entire lives
  • 2008 New York Mets: By losing 10 of their final 17 games, forfeiting their 3.5-game divisional lead over the Phillies, and failing to make the playoffs, the Mets suffered their most ignominious end to a season in nearly a year
  • 2010 Cleveland Cavaliers: How a team could fall from first in the Eastern Conference to 15th is something we may never be able to explain
  • 2012 U.S. Summer Olympics Team: Couldn’t even agree on what sport they all played and did all sorts of different things once they got to London

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