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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Worst Sports Teams

Onion Sports examines the most awful teams throughout the history of athletic competition.

  • 1913-2013 New York Yankees: Despite their success, never learned the true meaning of baseball
  • 1917-1992 Anaheim Ducks: This lackluster team posted zero wins over this 75-year period
  • 1972 Miami Dolphins: Have only become more insufferable over time
  • 1999 Florida State Dance Team: Absolutely no heart
  • 2002 Alverno College Women’s Basketball Team: Their 3-22 record made them the laughingstock of the NAC
  • 2007 New York Giants: It doesn’t matter that they won the Super Bowl—the Giants sucked that year and just got lucky in the playoffs
  • 2008 Detroit Lions: The Lions failed to win a single game in 2008, which only sounds bad if you consider that they were a team of paid professionals who had been playing football their entire lives
  • 2008 New York Mets: By losing 10 of their final 17 games, forfeiting their 3.5-game divisional lead over the Phillies, and failing to make the playoffs, the Mets suffered their most ignominious end to a season in nearly a year
  • 2010 Cleveland Cavaliers: How a team could fall from first in the Eastern Conference to 15th is something we may never be able to explain
  • 2012 U.S. Summer Olympics Team: Couldn’t even agree on what sport they all played and did all sorts of different things once they got to London

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