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Would-Be Assassin Ruled Unfit For Trial

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Would-Be Assassin Ruled Unfit For Trial

A federal judge has ruled that Jared Loughner, accused of killing six people in an attempt to assassinate Rep. Gabrielle Giffords in January, is not competent to stand trial. Here are some of the factors that played a role in Loughner's medical evaluation:

  • During sessions, did not once break eye contact with the interviewer's crotch
  • All of the swastikas scrawled in his notebooks had five spokes
  • Said the Rorschach card that's clearly a crab was a scorpion
  • Still using iPhone from, like, four models ago
  • Purchased the Glock 9mm used in the shooting from Sportsman's Warehouse rather than from the far more reasonably priced Cabela's
  • Quoted Ron Paul's economic platform verbatim
  • Neighbors described him as a quiet man who kept to himself
  • Kept referring to his rights under the Constitution as if that meant anything in Arizona

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