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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Would-Be Assassin Ruled Unfit For Trial

A federal judge has ruled that Jared Loughner, accused of killing six people in an attempt to assassinate Rep. Gabrielle Giffords in January, is not competent to stand trial. Here are some of the factors that played a role in Loughner's medical evaluation:

  • During sessions, did not once break eye contact with the interviewer's crotch
  • All of the swastikas scrawled in his notebooks had five spokes
  • Said the Rorschach card that's clearly a crab was a scorpion
  • Still using iPhone from, like, four models ago
  • Purchased the Glock 9mm used in the shooting from Sportsman's Warehouse rather than from the far more reasonably priced Cabela's
  • Quoted Ron Paul's economic platform verbatim
  • Neighbors described him as a quiet man who kept to himself
  • Kept referring to his rights under the Constitution as if that meant anything in Arizona
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