Would-Be Assassin Ruled Unfit For Trial

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Vol 47 Issue 22

Point Of Story Apparently That Man Ate At Restaurant

ELYSBURG, PA—Friends of 33-year-old Dan Leski were subjected Tuesday to a detailed account of his recent visit to a restaurant, the sole point of which was apparently to communicate the fact that Leski had eaten food and then paid for it.

Educated Bigot That Much More Terrifying

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After arguing with a well-read, articulate racist Wednesday, area man Daniel Truett described the experience as "bone-chilling," telling reporters it was far scarier than any encounter with an ignorant bigot ever could hav...
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Would-Be Assassin Ruled Unfit For Trial

A federal judge has ruled that Jared Loughner, accused of killing six people in an attempt to assassinate Rep. Gabrielle Giffords in January, is not competent to stand trial. Here are some of the factors that played a role in Loughner's medical evaluation:

  • During sessions, did not once break eye contact with the interviewer's crotch
  • All of the swastikas scrawled in his notebooks had five spokes
  • Said the Rorschach card that's clearly a crab was a scorpion
  • Still using iPhone from, like, four models ago
  • Purchased the Glock 9mm used in the shooting from Sportsman's Warehouse rather than from the far more reasonably priced Cabela's
  • Quoted Ron Paul's economic platform verbatim
  • Neighbors described him as a quiet man who kept to himself
  • Kept referring to his rights under the Constitution as if that meant anything in Arizona
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