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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Writers Strike Looming

The contract for the Writers Guild of America, the organization to which most writers for television and film belong, expires on Oct. 31, prompting fears of a strike. What are the sticking points in the negotiations?

WRITERS' DEMANDS

Not to be held responsible when pencils stuck to ceiling finally fall

Writing credits to appear at the beginning, end, and randomly throughout the middle of every show

Writers over the age of 35 must be eligible for retirement

Insist on more people who tell them what a great a job they do all the time

PRODUCERS' DEMANDS

30% increase in each writer's daily quota of zingers, comebacks, and catchphrases

Reserve right to add talking animal and/or Cuba Gooding, Jr. to any screenplay

More scripts with multimedia and cross-marketing possibilities, even if they don't know what those things mean

More scripts like that one where the guy plays 15 characters, one of them extremely fat

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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