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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Yankees Offseason Moves

After missing the pennant by one game, the Yankees have some difficult decisions to make before spring training. Here are some of the most crucial issues facing the team:

  • Refunding the season tickets Mitch from Staten Island purchased, as per his demand on Yankees fan site message board
  • Firing that complete failure Joe Girardi, that's for sure
  • Building a new Yankee Stadium
  • Opting whether to re-sign Derek Jeter or hire more stadium security
  • Doing some things that result in winning the World Series instead of not doing that
  • Deciding if they should sign pinstripes to contract extension
  • Spending weeks of sleepless nights tortured over Posada and Rivera situations, then buying an anti-aging solution from a late-night infomercial
  • Making a trip to the bank to convert cash into talented human beings like they always do

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