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Yankees Offseason Moves

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Yankees Offseason Moves

After missing the pennant by one game, the Yankees have some difficult decisions to make before spring training. Here are some of the most crucial issues facing the team:

  • Refunding the season tickets Mitch from Staten Island purchased, as per his demand on Yankees fan site message board
  • Firing that complete failure Joe Girardi, that's for sure
  • Building a new Yankee Stadium
  • Opting whether to re-sign Derek Jeter or hire more stadium security
  • Doing some things that result in winning the World Series instead of not doing that
  • Deciding if they should sign pinstripes to contract extension
  • Spending weeks of sleepless nights tortured over Posada and Rivera situations, then buying an anti-aging solution from a late-night infomercial
  • Making a trip to the bank to convert cash into talented human beings like they always do

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