Yo-Yo Ma Injured During Practice

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Vol 40 Issue 32

Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against

DETROIT, MI—Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

Man Miscast In Role of Father

BECKLEY, WV—Critics, social workers, and peers agreed Monday that Michael Jans was horribly miscast as the father of 5-year-old Tyler Beecham. "Michael would be great playing the drunken buddy, or the deadbeat brother who can't hold down a job, but he's just not very believable as Daddy," ex-girlfriend Karen Beecham said. "I had hoped Michael would grow into the role, but I'm rethinking that idea. It's a very demanding part, and I need someone who can do it without a lot of direction." Beecham will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.

Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Junior building inspector Thomas Spengler, 8, ordered the closure of a tree house owned by Jimmy Herman Monday. "The tree house will remain closed until improvements are made to its structure," Spengler said. "The rope ladder leading up to the house needs to be brought into compliance with local building codes. Also, the structural integrity of the clubhouse, wedged as it is into Old Man Kessler's oak tree, is compromised by the hastily added lookout post." Spengler threatened to close the tree house permanently should Herman fail to bring its tire swing up to code.

Things Are Starting To Turn Around

Hola, amigos. How's every little thing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've barely had a chance to catch my breath these days. Ron hooked me up with a job at the carbonics plant where he works. For a while, I was the guy that cut blocks of dry ice. It was all right, but I didn't know Ron was gonna be my supervisor. I was able to put up with that for about two seconds before I stopped showing up. There's no way that mallethead is going to tell me what to do. He even wrote me up for being late.

Recreational Viagra Use

According to a recent study, recreational use of Viagra is on the rise among younger men who don't suffer from impotence. What do you think?

Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America

WICHITA, KS—Delivering the central speech of his 10-day "Solution For America" bus campaign tour Monday, Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry outlined his one-point plan for a better America: the removal of George W. Bush from the White House.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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