CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
LANGLEY, VA—The most crucial passages of U.S. intelligence have been emphasized with indelible black highlighters.
Your soulless office still climate controlled
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
WASHINGTON, DC—Wizco Toys recalled 245,000 Aqua Assault RoboFighters after three dumb kids managed to kill themselves with it.
Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People
AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of "skeleton people"—skinless, organless humans ...
Black Guy Asks Nation For Change
CHICAGO—Some residents reported seeing the black guy waving wildly and quoting from the Bible, while others said they spotted him shouting about global warming.
DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack
Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects.
Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save
HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to ...
Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man.
Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister
Ohio police have been inundated with false sightings of college-age girls with dyed blond hair, Ugg boots, purple nail polish, and oversized sunglasses.
Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land
GAINESVILLE, FL—Despite theories that dolphins are excellent communicators, they responded to questions on land with only labored wheezing and shrill, distressed screams.
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
ROANOKE, VA—"He fought that terrible gorilla with every last ounce of strength he had, but in the end, David's body just couldn’t ...
Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons
WASHINGTON, DC—Autumn, which had been slotted between summer and winter, will be replaced by stifling humidity, constant sunshine, and little precipitation.
Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex
TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to ...
Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's
Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.
Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from his inauguration, president-elect Bush vowed to undo the damage not done by the Clinton Administration.
Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins
WASHINGTON—Following an outpouring of criticism from across the country, the Washington Redskins announced Wednesday that they are officially changing the team’s name to ...
Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire
WASHINGTON—Calling it a “major-ass haul” that would provide “some much-needed scratch,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly scored over 800 feet of copper wire from ...
Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music
ROCHESTER, MI—Hip-hop artist Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem, said he was left wholly terrified today after meeting his daughter Hailie’s new boyfriend ...
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
ESCONDIDO, CA—Provoked by a presidential administration he believes is guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 46, has become a vehement defender ...
Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out
MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies ...
Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday
Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.
Mumford And Sons Can't Believe They All Got Each Other Mandolins For Christmas
LONDON—According to sources close to the English folk-rock quartet Mumford and Sons, the band’s members were surprised to discover during their annual Christmas ...
Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline
AQABA, JORDAN—In an agreement that marks a key first step in the Mideast news-piece process, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian Prime ...
New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love
WASHINGTON, DC —"He broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed as he normally does after heart surgery. But then he hugged ...
Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules
WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that it rules.
Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest
PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by Stanford's Institute For Psychotherapeutic Study, depression, America's leading mental illness, hits losers worse ...
Man On Cusp Of Having Fun Suddenly Remembers Every Single One Of His Responsibilities
GAITHERSBURG, MD—Local man Marshall Platt, 34, came tantalizingly close to kicking back and having a good time while attending a friend’s barbeque last ...
Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job
WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected...
Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito Suddenly Realize They Will Be Villains In Oscar-Winning Movie One Day
WASHINGTON—Shortly after turning in dissenting opinions in landmark federal rulings today that struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and conferred full federal benefits ...
NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God
WASHINGTON—After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration ...
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 ...
Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again
Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city's annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row.
Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business
FORT WORTH, TX—After a thorough review of its operations, RadioShack CEO Julian Day could provide no real explanation for the analog- riddled company's ...
42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record
NEW YORK—According to emergency personnel, early estimates indicate that more than 42 million Americans were killed this past weekend in what is now believed ...
Surgeon General Warns Teens Cinnamon Challenge Is Not For Pussies
WASHINGTON—According to an announcement Tuesday by the Surgeon General’s office, the “cinnamon challenge”—a new fad in which teens attempt to swallow spoonfuls ...
Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg
After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson's trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.
Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West
WASHINGTON—In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave ...
National Funk Congress Deadlocked On Get Up/Get Down Issue
CHOCOLATE CITY—The bitter "get up/get down" battle has polarized the nation's funk community.
Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.
CHICAGO—Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at ...
U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With
WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the American people Tuesday, a determined President Bush vowed that the U.S. would defeat "whoever exactly it ...
Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—The new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and ...
Neighbors Confront Alcoholic Child-Abuser About His Lawn
ARLINGTON, TX—Child-beater Glen Oberst's unkempt lawn and untrimmed hedges have caused alarm among his neighbors.
'What You're Doing Is Weird And Wrong,' Small Voice In Back Of Kim Jong-Un's Head Reports
PYONGYANG—While performing his duties as Supreme Leader of North Korea Tuesday, Kim Jong-un reportedly heard a small voice in the back of his mind ...
Eric Clapton Wows Audience With Even Slower Version Of ‘Layla’
DULUTH, GA—Debuting yet another arrangement of the classic song Wednesday night, singer-guitarist Eric Clapton reportedly treated a sold-out crowd at the Gwinnett Center to ...
Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys
Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study.
No One Murdered Because Of This Image
WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex ...
Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport
Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere.
Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays
With the reconstruction of Ground Zero finally underway, anchor Brandon Armstrong invites two guests to discuss the progress.
Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World
In one of Christianity's most momentous events, members of the earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 5,600 ...
Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs
HONOLULU—In an announcement with grave implications for the human race, marine biologists said dolphins have evolved opposable thumbs.
Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns
DALLAS—Funyuns continues to enjoy an "overwhelming sales lead" over competing brand Responsibilityuns, reports Impulse Purchase Quarterly.
Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87
CHARLOTTE, NC—Accepting his renomination at the Democratic National Convention on Thursday, Vice President Joe Biden countered recent Republican criticisms by asserting that most Americans ...
Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to ...
Shaq Misses Entire Second Half With Pulled Pork Sandwich
CLEVELAND—Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal suffered a frustrating setback during his team's victory over the Toronto Raptors Tuesday night, when he was sidelined ...
Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish
Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish ...
Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested
TORRANCE, CA—Denny Marzano, who went to hilarious lengths to win the love of his dream girl, was arrested for that very reason.
Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013
Unless Americans turn to alternative sources of entertainment, the 'Hannah Montana' star will soon be completely tapped out.
Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes
REDMOND, WA—In a step to protect their "intellectual property," the Microsoft Corporation patented ones and zeros.
Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet
DEATH MOUNTAIN— The skull of Wynric Lance, failed claimant to the throne of Eirea, does not make as good a wine goblet as Lord Shryke ...
Tom Hanks Forces Houseguests To Play 'World War II' With Him
LOS ANGELES—Two-time Academy Award winner Tom Hanks, 53, once again invited a group of friends to his home and forced them to play a ...
Redskins’ Kike Owner Refuses To Change Team’s Offensive Name
WASHINGTON—Denying widespread claims that the franchise is being offensive or disrespectful, the Washington Redskins’ kike owner announced Monday that he remains steadfast in his ...
