Aries | March 21 to April 19

This week, you and 47,500 others will bury a comprehensive time capsule that will precisely reflect modern American life after a massive earthquake splits the ground open and swallows an entire city.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will be filled with renewed hope this week after scientists discover a new species of flower in the Amazon rainforest that could potentially provide a distraction from cancer.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

A job well done is often its own reward. However, $10,000 will nonetheless be offered to whoever can provide valuable information regarding your first-rate murder of three local men.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

While your mother's need to always get in the last word is annoying, it's your father's need to get in the last punch that really bothers you.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

During your visit to Guatemala this week, you will uncover a series of frightening Mayan tribal masks, all of which date back to the late 1980s and bear an uncanny resemblance to former president Ronald Reagan.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

An explosion during a heavy-metal concert this week will leave you and dozens of others critically injured when the warning sign given by an overheating smoke machine goes unnoticed.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will be jolted from your sense of complacency and stirred to take action this week after learning that there are fewer than 5,000 mink coats in existence worldwide.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

After days of panic, you will experience relief again this week, when directors at the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists realize their mistake in setting the Doomsday Clock ahead for daylight saving time.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

One can say a lot with only a few words, the sentiment of which will be clear to you when standing before the senior district judge this week.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will quickly become the most reviled villain the WWE has ever seen this week after changing your wrestling persona to that of Brian Gunderson: The Wrestler Who Staunchly Dislikes the Taste of Mayonnaise.