Aries | March 21 to April 19

Some days you get the bear, and some days the bear gets you, but not a day goes by that you don't regret becoming a professor of Ursine Studies.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

A nutty mix-up during your elopement will see you going to the wrong house and abducting the wrong man, but luckily you'll be a hell of a lot happier with him.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your efforts to write the perfect trucker ballad will be hampered by the jealous ghost of Nashville star Dave Dudley, who keeps spiking your beer.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll feel dishonored and shunned when thousands of mourners pass by your dead body on their way to honor the pope.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Three extremely important events will mark your last days on earth: First, you find out you can buy uranium over the Internet. The second and third pretty much follow as the night follows the day.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll question your wisdom in hiring such a fanatical personal trainer, but you must admit that those who manage to escape his diabolical Maze Of Fitness Or Death emerge looking pretty damn buff.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You know you're not the first person to experience identity problems, but it's still jarring to realize that you're a woman trapped in a rotting musk ox's body.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You've heard a lot of rational-sounding arguments in favor of drug legalization, but you'll be damned if you can remember what they are.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You'll try with all your might to save poor little Pekingese Tuffy, but there's nothing any mortal can do when the Lord Of All Beasts announces that any dog smaller than a beagle doesn't count.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The rash of burning-dogshit incidents in your neighborhood will finally end this weekend, when D.C. police formally issue a cease-and-desist order to that prankster Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You'll be stripped of your merit badges, your troop insignia, and your Boy Scouts uniform during an extremely disgraceful and sexy night at the International Friendship Scout Camporee.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your new love has thrown you into an exciting whirlwind of passion and euphoria, but pretty soon you'll probably have to meet in person.