Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Now that Valentine's Day is over, you will need to use sheer animal cunning to con affection out of your spouse.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Like all Aries, you are uncommonly patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Creative management of your finances will result in an unexpected windfall of several hundred dollars. Use it to buy the biggest handgun you can find—you'll need it.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack of woodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your neighborhood will be rocked by a bizarre rash of ultra-sexy seductions. Authorities will not for one moment consider questioning you.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will earn the friendship and envy of all who share your star sign when you unveil your flamed-out, low-riding "Leo Hoopty."

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Use of your wits, common sense, and God-given intelligence proves woefully inadequate in your attempt to solve even the most minor problems you encounter this week.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Though you've made numerous major advances in the field of stomach-cancer research, and have donated money to build libraries in your hometown, you are still universally hated for your three guest appearances on Northern Exposure.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Travel and air magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. You will experience a near-weightless, flight-like state during a trip to the Empire State Building.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

ou will become the talk of your community following your visually stunning appearance on America's Bloodiest Home Videos.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A long-running dispute will finally end this week if you have the courage to cut your husband's brake lines.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Do not be lulled into complacency this week: That strange man is still around. There he is! There! There!