Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Allow yourself a rare moment of pleasure this week. Then stop forever.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You'll be doubly blessed when Venus gives you charms to seduce your dream lover, and Mars sends you to your glorious death at the Battle of Anzio.