Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

After next week, you will no longer wonder where the phrase "I'll be dipped in shit" came from.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from your office.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as "that freaky-looking guy who survived the barbed-wire-plant explosion."

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

This week will be noteworthy for your whirlwind tour of the American criminal justice system.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The stars would love to tell you your fortune for next week, but it lacks the tinge of verisimilitude that would make it believable.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will go down in snowboard history for accidentally inventing the "540 Goofy-Foot Christa MacAuliffe" while nailing siding on your mountain cabin.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Nothing can stop you this week as you accelerate to a considerable fraction of the speed of light.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Please stop telling your coworkers you've been "nailing" your new secretary. The polite term is "nailing love to."

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You can claim anything you want in your song, but, truth be told, by the time you get to Phoenix she'll have forgotten all about your hick ass.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Remember: That which does not kill you makes you strongerñeven if it paralyzes you from the neck down and necessitates the removal of your renal system.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You're eventually going to get tired of people comparing next Thursday to the Flying Wallenda Tragedy of 1963.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.