Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your financial problems disappear when you find a man who gives you cash for other people’s valuables.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars say you’ll be happy and successful but, in all honesty, their hearts really aren’t in it.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be praised highly in this week’s New Yorker, but you eventually find out that there is somebody else named Norman Mailer.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The appearance of Mars heralds excitement for Leo. The Red Planet will collide with the Earth next Thursday, destroying the world.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The Klan will come to its senses next week, realize that racial intolerance and persecution are wrong, and focus its energy on lynching you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The events of this weekend will lead to your grudging, posthumous concession that those anti-drug people may not have gotten it entirely wrong.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Don’t take any guff from those smart-aleck mathematicians and their silly “imaginary” numbers.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your coolheadedness and refusal to jump at the first sign of danger enable you to watch a neat drowning.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be approached by Messrs. Feldman and Haim this week with an offer to be "The Third Corey."