Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You lack initiative, which means that you usually wait until someone yells "Get funky!" before you get funky.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will be awoken nightly between 2 and 4 a.m., by a friend who used to be cool but now just wants to talk about how 'Til Tuesday was an underrated band.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

When he said, "It bears, as in a nightmare one bears the impossible and finds no deliverance," Rilke was talking about Rodin's "Fallen Caryatid," but if you want to use that quote to talk about your foot pain, no one can stop you.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your fate will be influenced by nostalgic cosmic forces this week, when Castor, one of Gemini's formative stars, takes this week off to attend his high school's 10 billion year reunion.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You won't listen to the many people who tell you that your lover is bad for you until it's too late and you're almost completely finished devouring his corpse.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Like the broader American pop culture, you are fascinated with prison life, but this will change as soon as you're condemned to three consecutive life sentences.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You try to keep an open mind, but you're pretty sure there's no way that a damn cat could have helped solve over 30 capital crimes.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You're not all that angry that someone put that video of you being hit by a bus, attacked by a bear, and stabbed with scissors on the Internet, but for them to set it to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" is just wrong.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The good news is that you're finally getting as much sex as you want. The bad news is that it's a kind of sex you always wanted to avoid if at all possible.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The authorities have not given your lost love up for dead quite yet. They have reason to believe that she's in Duluth, though, which you must admit is pretty much the same thing.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You are, of course, given the right to the pursuit of happiness, but there's nothing to prevent others from aiding and abetting your happiness in its desperate attempt to escape you.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You used to compare yourself to Icarus, but you're less likely to do so now that you know he once helped a woman cheat on her husband by having sex with a cow.