Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The blood of legends will soon run in your veins, thanks to your purchase of a home legendary-blood transfusion kit.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

There's nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. Assuming, of course, that you don't count the bone cancer.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You've done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident, but that's only because they don't count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that you don't care that she's dead.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The old ass-Xeroxing prank will go awry when your boss catches you in the act and makes you the ass-Xeroxing supervisor for the entire Northeast region.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You don't regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song, but you're starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to have a good time.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

After months of soul-searching, you'll finally decide to write your memoirs, but it winds up taking less than three days.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your family will react to your declaration that you don't want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case of the Impressive, Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.