Aries | March 21 to April 19

Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You were right about the existence of a 10th planet, but don't be smug: Your claims about a race of cat-women who thirst for your seed was way off.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Mark Twain said moving house twice equals one house fire, so it looks like Fate owes you a couple house moves.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Arguments over the relative merits of football and soccer are rendered moot next week, when aliens challenge us to a bizarre hybrid of both games with the fate of the earth at stake.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The surgeons are unclear on exactly why you need a titanium plate implanted in your ass, but hey… gift horses.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A fateful chess match with Death looms in your future, so you might want to replace that tacky Star Trek chess set.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

It won't really do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The principle of entropy says that all systems tend toward disorder, so just think of what happens to your legs next week as a natural, universal constant.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You're tired of all these narrow escapes with your life, so next week's gas-truck accident will be sort of a relief.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

It's often a mistake to try and make learning fun, as you'll prove next week during your combined fireworks-safety/defensive-driving demonstration.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You may think your life is due for big changes, but the unknowable cosmic forces in control of your fate don't.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

An important warning sticker will be missing this week. The stars can't tell you where it should be, but it should say "Caution: Rotating Knives."